On Clouds.

Bloggies, struggling with depression can be really tough sometimes. It's a silly metaphor, but it feels like the sun has been permanently hidden behind the clouds. And yet, sometimes a breeze blows through and the sun can peer out from behind the clouds, to give a little light and warmth.

When that happens, isn't it like the entire world is new? Everything is sparkling and beautiful and fresh, and the things that bothered you before don't seem to matter so much anymore. Of course, somehow the clouds always come back, but sometimes, if you're very, very lucky, the clouds will have thinned, and someday they might disappear entirely.

It's hard to see what really matters when you're in a cloudy haze of depression, and it can seem as though the sun will never come out. But the Son is always there - God is there for you no matter what and he will never leave you, even if you can't see that he's there.

The clouds of my life have been crowding in lately, and though I knew the sun was there, I couldn't feel it. But today, the clouds blew away, leaving only wispy memories behind. And I can't tell you how amazing that feels.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. - Romans 15:13

xoxo,
Heart.Soul.Mind

Marshmallow and Lilypad

Do any of you watch that show, How I Met Your Mother? Well, I spent most of my weekend, and the entire last week, watching pretty much every single episode. I love that show so much. And it got me thinking...

Marshall and Lily. I love them together. They have an almost fairytale romance, and it's so cute: Meeting on the first day of college, falling madly in love, and living happily ever after. They're having a baby this season, after being together for over 15 years.

Of course, they hit a few bumps in the road, and broke up once for six months. And I know, I know, they're a TV couple, they aren't real, but I really love their relationship. And I want what they have. They're still madly in love, 15 years down the line, and comfortable as a couple. They really know and understand each other, and can always work out any disagreements they have.

But the way Marshall looks at Lily - like she's the only woman in the world. He loves her so, so much - and she loves him right back. I want a love like that, badly. But, like Ted, I have to wait to find him.

But my Marshall's out there, and I know I'll find him someday.

xoxo,
Heart.Soul.Mind

The Prelude to a Kiss

I've heard it said, bloggies, that the moment before a kiss is often the best part of a kiss. That moment of expectation, of anticipation, that little blink of time where everything is perfect. Of course, never having been kissed, I can't vouch for this, but I'd like to think it's true.

Right now I think I'm in my own prelude - whether he thinks so too, I couldn't say. But it feels real to me, and maybe that's all I'll ever get with him, that feeling. The moment before the plunge - the moment before you dive into a relationship. When you're so close you feel it must be inevitable, but you could hypothetically pull back. When you've got butterflies and you're so nervous and scared but it just feels right. 


And doesn't it sometimes seem that most of life is a buildup to what happens next? Doesn't it feel like we're always waiting for something to happen, and we're just waiting for what's next without appreciating what we have? That moment, that buildup, is sometimes better than the experience itself, and we miss the excitement because we're so focused on what lies ahead. And that's really no way to live, in my opinion.

I don't know, bloggies, if he and I will ever be. If we'll ever lean in that extra inch and just go for it. This moment, this prelude, it could last for awhile. And I plan to try and enjoy every terrifying, wonderful, scary second of it.

xoxo,
Heart.Soul.Mind

Second-Choice Friend

Have you ever had the experience of being a second-choice friend? Because recently I have. And let me tell you, it's no fun. At all.

Last year, I had a fabulous group of friends. We were close, we talked every day, and we were always there for each other. Until this summer, when one of us moved away. We no longer saw her, and she was the true backbone and heart of the group. And so, slowly, we fell apart. We still claim to be friends and get together every so often, maybe once every few months if we're lucky. We might see each other individually most days, but we rarely get a chance to talk anymore. And that really, really stinks. Because right now, I'm going through a tough time, and I need my friends. But they just aren't there. And I'm tired of being chosen last. I want friends who are there for me, the way I try to be there for them.

I don't know, bloggies, am I being unreasonable? I don't think so. It's not like I'm asking them to drop everything for me. I just want them to have lunch with me one day next week. Yet they persist in having more important things to do, more important people to have lunch with. And I am really tired of it. Why do I always have to be the one who calls people to invite them places, or texts them, or asks them how they are? Why do I always need to be the dependable one who's there when you need me, but not the one who has friends to depend on?

I am so, so sick of feeling lonely, knowing I don't have someone to turn to anymore. My "friends" don't know anything about my life anymore. They don't bother to ask. So I honestly don't know how to deal with this anymore. I'm tired of feeling hurt, lonely, unwanted.

What do you think I should do? Am I overreacting?

xoxo,
Heart.Soul.Mind

I Think I Love You

Have you ever heard that song by David Cassidy, I Think I Love You? (If not, click the link and listen, bloggies. Even if you have, actually.) I happened to hear that song today and it got me thinking. I know you guys are probably really sick of hearing about how I'm in love. But you know what? It's really important to me, and I can't get him out of my brain...

And that scares me to death. Just like the lyric to the song:

I think I love you 

So what am I so afraid of? 

I'm afraid that I'm not sure of 

A love that there's no cure for

Because even though I'm sure that I love him, I'm not certain that he even likes me in that way. And that terrifies me, being so in love with someone who regards me with a mild affection. Frankly, too, I'm tired of people telling me, "You're young, you'll get over him, you're too young to love like that." But I am not too young to love - I am, in all honesty, an incredibly loving person. And you know what? People get married at my age - I admit it's not very common nowadays, since people are tending to wait longer to marry, but people do.

And so it's terrifying, loving him. Always wondering, is this going to go somewhere, or not? Can it ever? Will it ever? Or will I lose him?

I'm strong enough to keep my silence, because I know that's what he needs right now. But I'm not strong enough to lose him, no matter the pain this situation causes.

I just pray my resolve never falters.

Believe me,  

You really don't have to worry 

I only want to make you happy 

And if you say, 

"Hey, go away" I will,  

But I think better still,  

I'd better stay around and love you. 

Do you think I have a case? 

Let me ask you to your face: 

Do you think you love me?

Do you have any advice for me, bloggies?

xoxo,
Heart.Soul.Mind

New Haircuts & Other Joyful Occurrences

Isn't it amazing how the little things in life can make you happy?

Take today, for example. Just some small, tiny, itty-bitty little details made me so happy. I love that life can be like that sometimes.

So here's what made me happy today:

1) Getting my hair cut. It's been ages. I'm thinking at least 9 months - a year? So I cut off 2 inches worth of split ends. It's still kinda long, and although I do wish I could have kept the length, having healthy, pretty, less-frizzy hair is a huge win in my book.

2) Making tissue paper ceiling decorations. That was fun, bloggies. Lots of fun. They turned out beautifully and I think they'll look great at my cousin's baby shower! Not to mention I love gettin' crafty. Yessiree I do.

3) My dad remembering how much I love this shrimp he makes and making it specially for me. It was yummy! Oh so yummy.

4) It's Friday. That in and of itself is cause for celebration.


See, bloggies? Just little, tiny bits of fun to brighten my day and make it happier. Although I've just realized that since it's almost 1 am it was yesterday. But whatever. Happy is happy. So try it!

What made you happy today?

xoxo,
Heart.Soul.Mind

Just Grin and Bear It

Have you ever heard that phrase before, dear reader? "You'll pull through, just grin and bear it." I personally do not think that gritting your teeth and smiling through the pain is an acceptable solution to grief, or loss, or whatever the case may be. We're expected to be strong, to move on quickly and not let things get us down.

But what does it truly mean to be strong? Does it mean forging ahead and burying the pain? Or does it mean being strong enough to admit that it's not okay right now? I think perhaps it's the latter. Because holding it in and hiding it away arent' really options, not if we really want it to turn out okay in the end. We have to be able to confront our problems and deal with them, or they'll catch up to us in the end. 

Who among us hasn't been asked, "How are you?" and reflexively said, "I'm good, thanks. And you?" It's just our reflex, to say we're fine even if we're not. It's the polite thing to do, and we wouldn't want to make others uncomfortable by saying, "You know what? It's not going so well right now." But why? Why is it that we feel the need to hide what we truly feel away from others?

Ok, sure, I'll admit, sometimes you really do need to give a perfunctory answer. But I think, more often then we're aware, it's okay to say it's not okay. It's alright to let people in, and let them help you. Who knows what feelings everyone hides away in the sake of politeness? That's where being lonely and isolated begins, not allowing others in. 

So this is me, telling you, whoever you may be, that I am not doing so well today, thanks for asking. 

Feel free to do the same. How are you today, reader? Let me know. 

xoxo,

Heart.Soul.Mind

Beautiful Heartbreak

Love shouldn't make you sad. At least that's what I thought. I believed that it would be a magical, wonderful experience, full of joy. And maybe it is, but not for me. At least not right now.

I previously posted about the fact that I am in love with a boy. He's my very first love, and he means a lot to me. Like, a lot a lot. I think about him daily, and he makes me happier than anyone ever has, just with a smile and a conversation.

And yet, the fact that he views me as a friend, and has no clue how I feel has been one of the most painful experiences I've endured in my life. And I know, I know - I'm young, I'm silly, I'll get over it. But honestly? I really don't think that this is just some silly little crush. I really truly love him.

And while loving him is wonderful, it's heartbreaking. It's a uniquely strange experience. I would never give it up for the world. I'm learning what it is to truly love sacrificially - wanting what he needs before what I need. Giving him all of my heart without expecting a return.

It may be incredibly difficult to love him, but it would be infinitely worse to lose him. So it would seem I have reached an impasse. So be it.

What are your thoughts, my lovely readers?

xoxo,
Heart.Soul.Mind

Happy 2012, Everybody!

I hope you all had a wonderful New Year's celebration.

You know, I don't really like the idea of some grand "THIS IS MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION" type of thing. I mean, I do have some general resolutions for the New Year, but I do hate the idea of getting specific.

I mean, it's a good idea to try to improve oneself, sure, but it can be hard to stick to one. So I've thought of an idea that I think I'd like to try.

Monthly resolutions. So I can change it up once a month. Of course, I can continue with whatever I've already started, if I want, but every month is a fresh slate.

What do you think?

xoxo,
Heart.Soul.Mind